How To Be A Politician

So you want to be a politician?

First of all, congratulations! You’ve made the wonderful decision to subject yourself to intense public scrutiny for the rest of your life! In exchange, you’ll have the honor and privilege of being the person that everyone complains to, and complains about, whenever anything whatsoever goes wrong. Mazel Tov! Before you get to that point, however, there are a few steps you need to take to ensure your success.


The first step to becoming a politician is choosing a party. In the United States of America, we have two major political parties: Democrats and Republicans. “But wait,” you might say, “America is a wildly complicated and huge country. How can everyone in the country be grouped in to only two parties?” Well, let me tell you, it’s more simple than you think: Are you a pompous asshole who can’t understand anyone who isn’t exactly like you and doesn’t believe in helping others? If yes, then you are a Republican. Are you a constant whiner who constantly allows yourself to be bullied and thinks George W. Bush is a product of Satan’s semen? If yes, then you are a Democrat.

Still want to be a politician? Okay, then we can proceed to step two.


What’s that you say? You’re not incredibly wealthy? Aw, shucks. I guess we’ll have to take a look at STEP TWO-A instead.


Unfortunately, being a politician is really expensive. So, if you’re not incredibly wealthy, then you have to convince a lot of incredibly wealthy people to give you some of their money. This is also called “campaign fundraising”. It’s what you do before you start “campaigning”. Basically this involves trading whatever neutrality you may have had for a mountain of future political debt to all sorts of corporations and special interest groups that literally pay you to support laws that benefit them. Aaaaand don’t forget, you have to do this all again in 2, 4, or 6 years. So, don’t think those corporations and special interest groups are just going to forget if you don’t uphold your end of the bargain.


Now that you’ve raised all that money, it’s time to spend it. For the next several months, you’re going to buy all the television advertisements that you can afford. Now, it may seem like a good idea to talk about some of your accomplishments during your 30 seconds of fame. But let’s be honest, no one really cares. Instead, it’s better to just say bad things about your political opponent. I know, I know, he or she is probably a nice person, so just make something up. No one will find out if it’s not true, and even if they do, they won’t really care.


If you’ve followed all of my steps up to this point, you’ve undoubtedly won your election. Congratulations! Now, it’s time to make some laws. Well, since this is your first time getting elected, you won’t really be making any laws, just voting on them. So, when casting your vote, it’s always important to remember two things: First, always vote for whatever everyone else in your party is voting for. Second, always vote for whatever those corporations and special interest groups who paid for your campaign tell you to vote for. Usually, those two things are one in the same anyway. Lastly, remember that you are always being judged and anything you say can be used against you in the future. So, it’s generally be to just stick to generic talking points like “small government”, “lower taxes”, “job creation”, and “family values” without getting into any specifics on policies or ideas.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Wait a minute, that sounds really easy. Couldn’t almost anyone do that?” The answer, is of course, yes. You don’t need to be a lawyer or a constitutional scholar to be a politician. All you need to do is follow my four steps. So, what are you waiting for?

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